Moments not forgotten

Depression is not an easy thing to live with, for me or family and close friends. Everyone always says I don't appear to be a person who is depressed, well it's all a front (something the ones closest to me know well). The last month has been very difficult for me, but with the help of loved ones and adjustment of medication, I am feeling a little less sad. I am never really okay, on a scale of 1 to 10(10 being really sad) my normal life is about a 2. Even at my best there is never a day that I don't feel like crying a few times a day. My life is perfect, a hot as heck hubby, three awesome kids, a mom and sister who would drop everything and be here the second I needed them, and two best friends who listen to my never ending talking. So I decided to make a list of just a few precious moment, in no special order. Because the emotion of some of thaws moments, I have been typing them over time. There would be way to much tears to type this in one day.

My dad died when I was 10 and my mom and her family did a great job raising us. Even during hard time, we always had family. I guess I didn't realize how much a little girl need her dad until my prom. Oh I don't mean that I didn't miss him, because of course I did, but sometime you need a daddy not a memory. Well we were at my prom and have a fun time while parents were still there and then it happened... The father daughter dance. I just stood there tears in my eyes wanting to run to the bathroom and cry. My cousin Matt was there with his wife's family. He walked up to my and asked me to dance. There have not been many times in my life when I was quite, but I took his hand and put my face in his shirt and quietly sobbed as we danced. To this day I don't think he realizes what he did for me. I have mentioned it a few times and he doesn't remember... But he will never know how much I love him for that dance.

Maysen was about 2 months old and I was once again struggling with depression. Taylor, Maysen and I were sitting in the truck and I said a small prayer out loud that mentioned how thankful I was to god for giving me such beautiful and healthy children. When I was finished with my short prayer Taylor asked "Momma, God gave us Maysen?" I said yes my love he gave her to us to love and watch grow. Taylor pondered this for a moment before bluntly saying "Momma, I need to tell God thank you". And sitting right there I help my 3 year old son tell god how thankful he was for his little baby sister. Taylor is now 7 and I asked him the other day if he was still happy God gave us Maysen. He said Maysen and Claire, but he still wants a little brother.

There is a difference between my single mom and single moms who kids husbands are still in there life. No offense but my single mom didn't get breaks, she didn't get some weekends to herself, she didn't have a person to send us to and say you deal with this, I am too stressed right now. My mom was always a little spoiled by her sisters and mom. In ways they more than made up for my dads death happening to me so young. That was never truer that at mine and my sisters weddings. My mom and her sisters (along with my mother in law at mine) took control to the last detail. I am a very controlling person, I honestly couldn't have asked for a better wedding that the one I was given.

My 10 anniversary was coming up and I was 5 months pregnant with Maysen and once again feeling overwhelmed and sad. Imagine my surprise when I walked into a party thinking it was for my friends dad, only to be a surprise anniversary party for Mo and I. Honestly a room full of people was just what I needed. My sister and mom did an awesome job. My sister in laws, one who was pregnant with twin were there along with all of Mo's family and mine. My sister made a DVD of special moments of Mo's and mine life. I didn't cry, I don't think anyone understood how hard that was, if I would have let one tear fall, they would have been unstoppable.

These "little" momnets are a bit long winded and no pictures to lighten the reading.  So I will say good bye for now, but I will adding moments later here and there.  Good day and good night to all.... Kate

Pumpkin Marshmallow

Pumpkin Marshmallow, Pumpkin Pancakes, Pumpkin Lattes and Pumpkin Carving.... Huummm Pumpkin.

Happy Fall to all of you.  We recently carved pumpkins with the kiddos at my sisters house.  We have dont this every year and it is always fun for Mo and I.  Kayla and McKenna have grown up so fast, just seems like yesterday we had to help them carve and now they are helping Taylor and Maysen carve.

  

And here are boys painting pumpkins on Halloween.  I had 6 kiddos that day and decided it would be better to paint than let the boys loose with knives.

And Trick or Treating with pals on Halloween.

Happy Birthday Maysen

We celebrated Maysen's Birthday Sunday, October 2, with Claire's Baptisim.  Her actual birthday is October 8.   My sister made her a princess for her party and I loved that smile she had on her face all day she was so happy.

All of the cousins were there, Maysen loved seeing all of them.  We didn't get a good picture of Melaine, but here is Lilly and Alec.

And of course her girlfriends...

And the Pinata...

Thank you all that came and celbrated with us.

Claire’s Baptism

We had Claire baptized Sunday, October 2.

Claire's Godmother Cathy getting her dressed.

She is always such a happy baby.

Oh My Gosh she looks so much like her daddy.

The ceremony was nice, there were four other babies getting baptized as well.  We had lots of family and friends there to celebrate with us.

Don't let this "hot mess" fool you... she was taunting the deacon the entire time.

It was a perfect day.

Acquaintances, Friends, Best Friends, Family and Almost Family

When Kolby died I think every person questioned how I was related to him.  See Kolby was not just my little cousin, to him I was his Aunt and he was my Nephew.  Most kids call me Aunt Kate whether we are related or not and I love it.

In life there are Acquaintances (I have lots of), Friends (I have few of), Best Friends (I have 2), Family (Sometimes I wish I had less, but in the end we are blood and love each other) and Almost Family (there are a couple out there).

… Acquaintances are just people you know, you say hi in the grocery store and know a little about their personal lives.

…  Friends are people you have a good time with, you usually stop and talk to them in the grocery store, your kids know each other and play well and you probably have their number stored in your phone. 

…  Best Friends go with you to the grocery store and talk about everyone there, you have their number on speed dial and your kids are as close as siblings and have probably given each other a black eye at some point.  Angela and Steph have really helped me to become a better person.  Angela is the layed back one, Steph is the innocent one and I am definitely the high maintance one.  All together we work.

…  Family, well that one is self-explanatory.  You never love all of them at the same time and you never hate them all either.  In fact there is a fine line between love and despise at any given moment.  With the blink (or roll) of an eye you can go from a perfect day to utter chaos.  Or have a tragedy that unites us all, if even for a moment.

… Almost Family is I guess is people like Chastity.  People always ask me how I am related to her and the simple truth is there is no blood between us.  I love her like a sister and don’t honestly know if anyone can understand that.  When I tell them we are not related they say ooww, as if because there is no blood my love for her is any less and I can guarantee you it’s not.  There are bonds that are unbreakable, at times very thin, but still there hanging on by a string.

I don’t consider myself to have many friends; I think people use the word “friend” way too much to describe people who are more like acquaintances.  I often catch myself calling someone a friend when the truth is I know nothing about them and they really don’t know that much about me.  I guess my point is, that if I consider you a friend you are important to me not just and acquaintances… a real friend.

A Perfect Day

Sadly, we do not have a nightly bedtime routine, we should since we have 3 children one of which is school age.  I however have a routine once I get into bed.  I sway my hips back and forth trying to put myself to sleep.  An annoying habit yet I can’t fall asleep without rocking myself lol.  I then go over every event that happened that day in order of importance and ask myself questions… did I hurt anyone’s feelings today (if the answer is yes, did I mean to); did I do all I could today (the answer there is usually no and if you have seen my house you believe me); did I make my children smile as much as they made me smile today>>> that answer is always no it seems.  They make me smile so much it would be impossible to show them how happy they make me.  I look at them and am in awe at the fact that those are my little people… my little people I made.

Today we went to the Bluebell factory and it was awesome.  Not the tour itself, in fact that was a little boring… just a bunch of machines.  But I got to spend the day with Taylor, Maysen, Claire, Melanie and Tina.  I honestly think the kids were more excited about seeing Melanie that going to the Bluebell factory.  After the tour you get a scoop of ice cream and guess what exotic flavor my kids choose… Homemade Vanilla.  Taylor says he is going to college in Brenham and working at Bluebell because the lady told him he would get to eat all the ice cream he wanted FOR FREE. 

We then went to the water park and only stayed about hours but it was so relaxing and fun to just hang out.  Maysen is getting braver after her accident at Serendipity and Taylor is swimming so well.  Claire loves the water and loves splashing it even in her own face and Melanie is a little fish it seems.  The day couldn’t have been any better.

And So We Say Goodbye

First let me say that I believe in God and know that one day I will meet him in heaven in all his glory.  It is really hard to say goodbye to someone.  I keep reading people say “you’re in a better place” and it just makes me so mad.  There was nothing wrong with this place.  I will never again get to hug you and hear you say “goodbye Aunt Kate, I Love You” and it may be selfish but I want you back.  God has plenty of other angels, we need you.  I didn’t hug him the last time I saw him… I always hug Kolby; he is a very huggable guy.  He came in my house and picked up some medicine for Kolby Ryan and was in a hurry so he said goodbye turned around and quickly walked out.  I guess at the time it was no big deal, I would hug him next time right.  I have only met Kolby Ryan twice and really wish Kolby would have gotten to experience all the joy with him that Kolby himself had brought into all of our lives when he was born 18 short years ago.  I remember going to the hospital to see him, he was the first baby I ever went to see in the hospital, I was 15 and in total amazement.  He amazed us most of his life.   Mankind is flawed with this love thing, even though I didn’t get to see Kolby near enough in the last years, I love him as he still that little kid playing at my house with Dylan and Tyler.  And so I say goodbye Kolby way to soon.  My heart is so heavy and eye filled with tears as I type this blog.  I will remember and love you always.

Love Your Aunt Kate