Spring Break

Spring break is here and now it's gone, that quickly.

As everyone around here knows its rodeo time in Houston. My brother and sister in law took us for our first experience. As I packed up the Tahoe for my first solo overnight trip with kiddos, I realized this adventure may be more that I bargained for. But alas we load up and set off to Tià's Casa. Once we got there of course there was lot of playing. My kids love playing with Melanie.  When I plan thing they never go quite right, so I like to let my OCD in-laws plan them.  Early, but not to early, the next morning we were off to the rodeo.  All the kids had a blast and Tina and Hector had already been there so it was nice to just relax and let them lead the way.

Not alwas just the bad

Please understand that my life isn't constant sadness. I have many moments with my family and friend that are full of joy. Recently I was bathing and notice that the biggest diamond in my anniversary band (the one Mo got me for my tenth anniversary) was gone. I do have insurance on my ring, however with Kay's insurance policy you must have the ring inspected every six month and I knew it had been well past that. I cried for hours. I don't wear jewelry, just my watch and ring. I was so upset. At 2:03 I was sitting in my recliner in my room and my friend Stephanie text me that her Nannie passed away. I put my head down and said a little prayer for her and her mom who was really struggling with her mothers illness. As I finished my prayer I opened my eyes and there on the floor was a tiny sparkle. I looked closed and believe it or not there it was... my diamond from my ring. Amazed, shocked just plain disbelief that in a 2500sq ft house there it was. Steph says her Nannie showed it to me and I couldn't agree more.

Starting Anew

This blog isn't sad or happy or neutral. It isn't to make you laugh or cry. It's just about me and what's in my head. I have twenty six blogs in draft because I started them and they were just to emotional to finish or because I was afraid to post them fearing what people might think. I have not watched, read or even listened to one single thing about Colorado and those close to me know why. I have depression, something I battle every single day. I usuaaly fake a smile a million times a day just to keep people thinking im okay. Sometime I vent to my mom, sister, Angela and Steph; and sometimes quietly alone I let the fear and despaire over come me just to let it out. Some may say by not acknowledging Colorado is ignorance; ignorance that wheather I watch or not it still happend. I however call it selective reasoning; is the a reason I need to watch this terrible news, is there a reason I need to read and see picture of it, is there a reason I need to listen to it on the radio or someone have a conversation about it. This is not the only thing I have shut out. We recently had a horrible murder here in my town, the town I call home. This month also marks the death of my cousin Kolby, who lovingly referred to me as "aunt Kate". I don't do sympathy on Facebook, some do and I guess to each thier own. But I don't mourn and I don't pray for people on my facebook page. When you do these thing you want people to know you have an attachment to the death or the event, I however want to pray and mourn at home quietly looking out my window as my kids play. That seems the make the sad not hurt as much as my 600 some odd friends tell me they understand or tell me to slap myself back into reality. Life will gone on day by day and those of us who battle depression will try yo start each day anew.I recently got my first tattoo. It says "Acceptance" in my moms hand writing. Everyone ask why. I have been throught a lot of stuff in my life... 99 percent of us have. However I was once at a point that I left it define me, now I just accept it as part of who I am, not my entire definition just part of it. I used to think that "Only those who have battled deppression can understand depression". I know know now that's not true and thank you to that person (my left leg). You will honestly never know the respect and love I have for you for having enough courage to be my friend.

Moments not forgotten

Depression is not an easy thing to live with, for me or family and close friends. Everyone always says I don't appear to be a person who is depressed, well it's all a front (something the ones closest to me know well). The last month has been very difficult for me, but with the help of loved ones and adjustment of medication, I am feeling a little less sad. I am never really okay, on a scale of 1 to 10(10 being really sad) my normal life is about a 2. Even at my best there is never a day that I don't feel like crying a few times a day. My life is perfect, a hot as heck hubby, three awesome kids, a mom and sister who would drop everything and be here the second I needed them, and two best friends who listen to my never ending talking. So I decided to make a list of just a few precious moment, in no special order. Because the emotion of some of thaws moments, I have been typing them over time. There would be way to much tears to type this in one day.

My dad died when I was 10 and my mom and her family did a great job raising us. Even during hard time, we always had family. I guess I didn't realize how much a little girl need her dad until my prom. Oh I don't mean that I didn't miss him, because of course I did, but sometime you need a daddy not a memory. Well we were at my prom and have a fun time while parents were still there and then it happened... The father daughter dance. I just stood there tears in my eyes wanting to run to the bathroom and cry. My cousin Matt was there with his wife's family. He walked up to my and asked me to dance. There have not been many times in my life when I was quite, but I took his hand and put my face in his shirt and quietly sobbed as we danced. To this day I don't think he realizes what he did for me. I have mentioned it a few times and he doesn't remember... But he will never know how much I love him for that dance.

Maysen was about 2 months old and I was once again struggling with depression. Taylor, Maysen and I were sitting in the truck and I said a small prayer out loud that mentioned how thankful I was to god for giving me such beautiful and healthy children. When I was finished with my short prayer Taylor asked "Momma, God gave us Maysen?" I said yes my love he gave her to us to love and watch grow. Taylor pondered this for a moment before bluntly saying "Momma, I need to tell God thank you". And sitting right there I help my 3 year old son tell god how thankful he was for his little baby sister. Taylor is now 7 and I asked him the other day if he was still happy God gave us Maysen. He said Maysen and Claire, but he still wants a little brother.

There is a difference between my single mom and single moms who kids husbands are still in there life. No offense but my single mom didn't get breaks, she didn't get some weekends to herself, she didn't have a person to send us to and say you deal with this, I am too stressed right now. My mom was always a little spoiled by her sisters and mom. In ways they more than made up for my dads death happening to me so young. That was never truer that at mine and my sisters weddings. My mom and her sisters (along with my mother in law at mine) took control to the last detail. I am a very controlling person, I honestly couldn't have asked for a better wedding that the one I was given.

My 10 anniversary was coming up and I was 5 months pregnant with Maysen and once again feeling overwhelmed and sad. Imagine my surprise when I walked into a party thinking it was for my friends dad, only to be a surprise anniversary party for Mo and I. Honestly a room full of people was just what I needed. My sister and mom did an awesome job. My sister in laws, one who was pregnant with twin were there along with all of Mo's family and mine. My sister made a DVD of special moments of Mo's and mine life. I didn't cry, I don't think anyone understood how hard that was, if I would have let one tear fall, they would have been unstoppable.

These "little" momnets are a bit long winded and no pictures to lighten the reading.  So I will say good bye for now, but I will adding moments later here and there.  Good day and good night to all.... Kate