Starting Anew

This blog isn't sad or happy or neutral. It isn't to make you laugh or cry. It's just about me and what's in my head. I have twenty six blogs in draft because I started them and they were just to emotional to finish or because I was afraid to post them fearing what people might think. I have not watched, read or even listened to one single thing about Colorado and those close to me know why. I have depression, something I battle every single day. I usuaaly fake a smile a million times a day just to keep people thinking im okay. Sometime I vent to my mom, sister, Angela and Steph; and sometimes quietly alone I let the fear and despaire over come me just to let it out. Some may say by not acknowledging Colorado is ignorance; ignorance that wheather I watch or not it still happend. I however call it selective reasoning; is the a reason I need to watch this terrible news, is there a reason I need to read and see picture of it, is there a reason I need to listen to it on the radio or someone have a conversation about it. This is not the only thing I have shut out. We recently had a horrible murder here in my town, the town I call home. This month also marks the death of my cousin Kolby, who lovingly referred to me as "aunt Kate". I don't do sympathy on Facebook, some do and I guess to each thier own. But I don't mourn and I don't pray for people on my facebook page. When you do these thing you want people to know you have an attachment to the death or the event, I however want to pray and mourn at home quietly looking out my window as my kids play. That seems the make the sad not hurt as much as my 600 some odd friends tell me they understand or tell me to slap myself back into reality. Life will gone on day by day and those of us who battle depression will try yo start each day anew.I recently got my first tattoo. It says "Acceptance" in my moms hand writing. Everyone ask why. I have been throught a lot of stuff in my life... 99 percent of us have. However I was once at a point that I left it define me, now I just accept it as part of who I am, not my entire definition just part of it. I used to think that "Only those who have battled deppression can understand depression". I know know now that's not true and thank you to that person (my left leg). You will honestly never know the respect and love I have for you for having enough courage to be my friend.